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Sunday, March 22, 2015

A Weighty Issue

A long time ago I started this blog as a means to document my weight-loss journey.  Eventually it transformed into my running and then triathlon journey.  My life has followed so many different paths and changed directions in the last few years that I can't say that I know what I really want this blog to be.  It's likely that my lack of direction causes some to pass over my blog, but my blog is just that, MY blog.  I use this as a means to share my journey of whatever direction life takes me.  

Several years ago I was pushing 190 and probably 200 at one point.  I knew I needed to change and I found my motivation to lose almost 40 pounds.  I was down to 149 at one point.  That was the lowest weight I had ever been in my adult years.  I was so proud of myself.  Since then I have yo-yo'd between 150 and 170.  I desperately want to be in the 140's again.  I can't seem to find my motivation to keep working towards that.  I lose weight for 3-4 days and then have one bad day and spiral out of control for several days at a time or one bad day makes me regain everything I've lost.  

When I look back at pictures of myself, I can't believe I didn't notice sooner how large I had gotten.  Then I start thinking about the fact that I'm gaining back the weight I worked so hard to lose.  

When I see pictures of myself now, I still hate the way I look when I'm looking solely at that one picture, but when you compare the "then" and "now" I should just be happy with the now. 

But I want more!

I want to be the 140 I was working towards, I want to feel thin.  The wetsuit I have for triathlon is meant for someone that is NO bigger than 150.  I look like a sausage in casing and I can barely pull it up when I'm at 160 and I'm absolutely sure it's bursting at the seams.  I want the wetsuit to fit comfortably.  I want to look decent in my tri suit instead of always feeling like I am showing off my rolls.  I know that being lighter would mean that it would be easier to run and to bike and even to swim.  I want to experience that.  

It's time to refocus.

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