Several years ago I was pushing 190 and probably 200 at one point. I knew I needed to change and I found my motivation to lose almost 40 pounds. I was down to 149 at one point. That was the lowest weight I had ever been in my adult years. I was so proud of myself. Since then I have yo-yo'd between 150 and 170. I desperately want to be in the 140's again. I can't seem to find my motivation to keep working towards that. I lose weight for 3-4 days and then have one bad day and spiral out of control for several days at a time or one bad day makes me regain everything I've lost.
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When I look back at pictures of myself, I can't believe I didn't notice sooner how large I had gotten. Then I start thinking about the fact that I'm gaining back the weight I worked so hard to lose.
When I see pictures of myself now, I still hate the way I look when I'm looking solely at that one picture, but when you compare the "then" and "now" I should just be happy with the now.
But I want more!
I want to be the 140 I was working towards, I want to feel thin. The wetsuit I have for triathlon is meant for someone that is NO bigger than 150. I look like a sausage in casing and I can barely pull it up when I'm at 160 and I'm absolutely sure it's bursting at the seams. I want the wetsuit to fit comfortably. I want to look decent in my tri suit instead of always feeling like I am showing off my rolls. I know that being lighter would mean that it would be easier to run and to bike and even to swim. I want to experience that.
It's time to refocus.
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